I Am NOT D.B. Cooper

It has come to my attention this evening that certain nefarious elements in the Olympia community are attempting to spread the heinous rumor that the famous Thanksgiving Eve 1971 airplane hijacker known as D.B. Cooper still lives and breathes in the person of-- me!?! Why, I cannot say. Hoaxers are such perplexing creatures.

Well, let's nip this one right in the bud.

Above is a portrait of D.B. I drew for the Missing Persons playing card series in 1996.

Below is a photo of me taken around the time Cooper performed his crime. As you can see we look nothing alike. He's balding, I had plenty of hair. His hair was dark, mine blonde. He appeared to be in his mid-forties in 1971, I obviously am not.

Also, Cooper was described as being taller than me. He smoked cigarettes, drank highballs, and used the term "snarf." Not to mention hijacked a jet. I didn't do any of those things in 1971 and with the exception of a brief and stupid flirtation with cigarettes in the later 1970s, never did any of those things later in life either. In addition I have never gone skydiving, although one day I'd like to try.

And, not a small detail: hijacking a plane and terrorizing the airline employees is just plain wrong, in addition to being a major crime.

I always thought his crime resonated with so many people because it was about money, not a political cause. And money is very universal. But as Morty the Dog readers know, money is not really the thing that motivates me.

Yes, it is true I lived very near under both of his flight paths. But that is about as close a connection as I have with Cooper. Well, that, and the fact I was living on Cooper Road at the time of the hijacking.

We may never learn the true identity of D.B. Cooper. But, to use a phrase in use at the time of the hijacking, you can bet your sweet bippy it ain't me.

Also below, "The Amazing Legend of D.B. Cooper," originally published in Limbolympia (1983)